Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
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The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs