Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Did my cat write this
cyclists
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one