“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
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My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
January has been Januweary
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Twitter remains undefeated
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!