My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
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[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
i want to work in this restaurant
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm