if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
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smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars