ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
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I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
More like Kate Missington.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭