*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
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LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
So sick of all these stupid rules
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent