I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
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Namaste
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I’m not stressed
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!