Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
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I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.