[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
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damn he’s good
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”