Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
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The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
The most important meal of the day is the next one
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
that’s really how it is
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.