There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
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*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp