Just say no
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My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.