Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
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I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I am HOWLING at this
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Cow it started Cow it’s going
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.