My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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Doormats are a gateway rug.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>