WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
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Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
How software testing works
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently