I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
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Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Me too, bag. Me too….
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit