Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?

Him: Dude you were there

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Never mess with a drunken pig.

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.

My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”

This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.

This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.

Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications

Me: *nodding* a curator

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.