Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
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Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
bad news gang
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”