Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
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are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
…żyje?
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Very good news from my accountant
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started