Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
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I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
relationship goals