Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
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Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.