I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*