“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
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Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My god she’s good.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on