“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
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Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.