Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.