*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
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9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*