[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
You Might Also Like
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Thrilling chase underway
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Hey Fugeddaboutit
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️