I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
You Might Also Like
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
what is cheese if not milk persevering
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.