You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
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Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?