*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
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My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
God has abandoned us.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
not for long
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth