I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
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Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.