Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
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Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
a lot to unpack here
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN