“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
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Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
こいつ天才
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing