Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
who wore it better?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date