I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
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*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Milk Cube
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?