[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
You Might Also Like
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Steam Forums
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Nose
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is