A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
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What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
the rocks need my help
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Brilliant!
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.