imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
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Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.