When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
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Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.