My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
You Might Also Like
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
omg leave her alone
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.