Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
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When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.