My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
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🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
This is me 🤣🤣
*jingles half the way*
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.