I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
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Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.