Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
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Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you