Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
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Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me