If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”