*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
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When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
I don’t get marriage
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I got bills
They’re multiplying
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.