Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.