My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
some Old Testament wisdom
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again